Here is Gone
by BE-A-TLE
Summary: Continues after Sympathy, this is well......its different thanI had intended.....its got life of its own I tell ya.


Here Is Gone  
  
Disclaimer- Woo, not mine! When in doubt, turn to the Goo Goo Dolls, as they're songs often cooperate. Isn't that right Ari? ;) So yes again, A Goo Goo Dolls song.  
  
Author Notes- After Sympathy. Kind of Soap opera-y but it didn't start of to be that way.....um, well read it I guess if you want....   
  
You and I got something  
But it's all and then it's nothing to me  
And I got my defenses  
When it comes to your intentions for me  
And we wake up in the breakdown  
Of the things we never thought we could be  
***********************************************  
  
Jamie sat Indian style on the bed, he would have to leave for group therapy in a while, but until then, he was glad for the quiet. All he really wanted was to go home. He hated it here, and he knew the way to get home was to just be agreeable. Of course, he'd learned this lesson the hard way, he'd learned it nonetheless. So, when they told him to eat, he ate. When they asked him questions in group, he'd answer. When they told him to go outside, he did. However, even being so agreeable, that didn't solve the problem with Peter. Jamie found, no matter what the psychiatrist had said, Jamie could not come to terms with the fact Peter really didn't believe him when he said he wouldn't do anything stupid. It boiled down to Peter didn't trust him. Jamie openly admitted it was stupid to have even thought about it. But he didn't do it, and he'd made a promise to Peter that he wouldn't do it again. No part of that promise meant he couldn't vaguely think that he should have. That didn't mean he was going to try again. That just meant he was in a bad way for a moment and needed someone to help him. Of course, this wasn't the type of help he wanted. He's protested and carried on, but eventually, they broke him, he was finally verbally beaten into submission.  
  
"Hey Jamie." Mike called from the door. "Time for Group."  
  
"Okay, I'm coming." He slid off the bed and followed Mike without protest.  
  
***********************************************  
I'm not the one who broke you  
I'm not the one you should fear  
What do you got to move you darling  
I thought I lost you somewhere  
But you were never really ever there at all  
************************************************  
  
This wasn't Jamie. Not her Jamie anyway. Her Jamie was nothing like this empty shell of a person standing before her. Whatever spirit Jamie once had was apparently dead now. She sat at the edge of the bed, watching him with sad stunned eyes. He'd put a bit more weight on, so he looked healthier, but he was still far to thin. His eyes were dull and hollowed into his skull, and he seemed very pale.  
  
"Hi." He greeted quietly.  
  
"Hi Jamie, I've missed you." Caitie replied smiling the best she could. Jamie glanced around a bit before slumping into the far corner. There was a weirdness there that hadn't ever been there before. Caitie felt sick to acknowledge that it was there.  
  
"I've missed you too." Jamie replied softly. She walked over and slid down the wall next to him.  
  
"What's happened to you Jamie?" His eyes flickered up to hers and he sighed.  
  
"Its best just to agree with them here." he muttered, Caitie feeling slightly alarmed put her hand on her arm.  
  
"What do you mean?" Jamie just half shrugged and closed his eyes. Caitie quickly switched topics." The Squad wants to come see you tomorrow, are you gonna be up for that?"  
  
"Will you come too?" Jamie asked, cracking his eyelid slightly.  
  
"If you want me to be here, I'll be here."  
  
"Of course I do. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't." Jamie murmured.  
  
"Okay, I'll come tomorrow." He smiled a little then.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
************************************************  
And I want to get free talk to me  
I can feel you falling  
And I wanted to be all you need  
Somehow here is gone  
*************************************************  
  
Jamie was sitting in the sun, sketch book in hand, pen moving at rapid speed. Mike stood a few feet away, watching as a small group of teens began down the hill towards him.  
  
"Hi Jamie!" A tall blonde female called down. Jamie glanced up and closed his sketch pad. The group surrounded him and Mike moved back the slightest bit, to allow the kids more freedom.  
  
"Hi Val." Jamie greeted. Caitie instantly seated herself by Jamie and the three EMTs stood in front of him. Jamie's dull gaze swept from Val, to Tyler, and landed on Hank, hardening considerably.  
  
"Its not that bad here." Tyler said glancing around.  
  
"Easy for you to say, you don't have to live here." Jamie replied softly. Tyler colored a little and fell silent, Hank checked his watch.  
  
"So, when do you think you can come home?" Val asked. Jamie looked up sharply, but only saw curiosity in Val's eyes.  
  
"I don't know." He murmured.  
  
"What's that?" Tyler asked, pointing to the sketch pad next to Jamie.  
  
"A pad of paper." Jamie replied obviously.  
  
"Is it like a journal or something?" Val asked. Jamie shook his head and picked it up. Flipping through a few pages, he turned the pad around so they could see it.  
  
"Wow, that's really good." Tyler whistled. Jamie shrugged and closed the book. Hank checked his watch for the second time. Jamie tensed a little and Val stepped in smoothly.  
  
"So, Brooke wanted to come, but she had a piano recital and couldn't seem to get out of it."  
  
"Its cool, its probably better she didn't come." Jamie replied. Sensing the hidden words in his sentence, the EMTS began to feel uneasy.  
  
"Have you meet anyone interesting?" Val asked. Jamie looked at her incredulously.  
  
"I met someone who thought he was a duck." Jamie replied flatly. Hank checked his watch again.   
  
"I- Oh Jamie, I'm sorry I didn't-"  
  
"Val, stop. Its all right." Jamie murmured.  
  
"We're sorry Jamie, we just don't really know what to say....we wanna help, we just don't know how." Tyler said, looking down.  
  
"Its all right, okay? I just....I don't know how to act anymore."  
  
"We're really sorry it got this far Jamie. Maybe if we had been there to be your friends when you really needed us, it wouldn't have gotten this bad." Tyler said quietly. Hank raised his arm to check his watch again.  
  
"Are we boring you Hank?" Jamie snapped. Hank glanced up.   
  
"I- No I just...nevermind."  
  
"I mean, you didn't have to come up here." Jamie continued. "I would have been fine if you didn't."   
  
"Look Jamie, I know your mad, but you really can't hold on to the anger. Sooner or later your gonna have to realize I did the right thing by getting involved." Hank's expression seemed to be one of boredom.  
  
"The right thing? Did you even stop to consider what putting me here might do?" Jamie clamored up to his feet so he was facing off with Hank.  
  
"I knew that putting you here would make sure you didn't do anything stupid!" Hank lashed back.  
  
"Maybe if you had listened to me!" Jamie's voice hitched a little. "I mean for god sakes Hank!"  
  
"We apologized Jamie!" Hank shouted, aggravated.  
  
"Jesus Hank, its not just from what happened with my mom!" Hank froze for a moment.  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"I'm talking about the fact that you didn't listen to me before this happened!"   
  
"I do so!"  
  
"NO you didn't, you would nod like you were paying attention, but did you honestly ever HEAR what I was saying?!" Before Hank could reply, Mike and another Orderlie came charging down the hill.  
  
"I'm sorry, but your going to have to go, your upsetting him." Mike snapped, as the other Orderlie grasped Jamie's arms.  
  
"Come on Jamie, calm down." Jamie stiffened and took a few deep breaths. A few minutes later, he was fixing the others with the dull glazed look he had when they first arrived. Mike and the orderlie flanked Jamie and lead him towards the buildings. Mike shot the teens a disapproving glare and they disappeared over the hill.  
  
*************************************************  
I have no solution  
To the sound of this pollution in me  
And I was not the answer  
So forget you ever thought it was me  
*************************************************  
  
Jamie sat sullenly in his room. He picked up his sketch book and pen and after a moments thought, began to sketch. Watching him was almost painful for Mike. Since Jamie was so busy concentrating on the drawing, he wasn't concentrating on trying to keep his face neutral. Mike saw all the pain, anguish, and weariness, settle over the young man's face. All three should never be seen on a face so young. He had been filled in on the events that lead to Jamie's being here, and having the young man who helped bring him here visit wasn't a very bright idea.  
  
"So Jamie?" He asked at length "What are you drawing this time?" He moved over to sit on the bed next to the young man as he turned the sketch pad to him.  
  
*************************************************  
I'm not the one who broke you  
I'm not the one you should fear  
What do you got to move you darling  
I thought I lost you somewhere  
But you were never really ever there at all  
**************************************************  
  
Peter watched as Jamie interacted with Mike. The older man trying enthusiastically to entice the younger into a game with some of the other patients. Jamie refusing at first, but then eventually bending to the will of the elder. As Jamie was engaged into the game, Mike headed over.  
  
"Hello Peter."  
  
"Hey Mike." Peter shook his hand. "How's he doing?"  
  
"Had a visit from the kids the other day." Mike began. "Didn't go very well." Peter sighed.  
  
"He was upset to see Hank?"  
  
"I suppose so." Mike glanced back over at the game and smiled.  
  
"He's a good kid Peter. He's been through a rough time, and I'm sure he can't see it now, but this really is what's best."  
  
"I know." Peter sighed and looked directly at Mike. "I just wish it didn't have to have come to this."  
  
"I know Peter, I know." Mike sympathized with the young man. And the two fell silent watching the game played below them.  
  
**************************************************  
And I want to get free talk to me  
I can feel you falling  
And I wanted to be all you need  
Somehow here is gone  
****************************************************  
  
The days were going by in blurs now. Jamie just fell into the routine. He'd get up, he'd eat, he'd go to group, he'd let Mike corral him into something, he'd have lunch, he'd be given free time until he was to go for one on one therapy, then dinner, then free time till lights out. Then the next day the same routine. It was obvious to anyone Jamie simply went through the motions, nothing really staying with him. The therapists wondering if he was getting any better, Mike wondering if he was simply letting himself go dead, and Peter who visited as frequently as he could, often bringing a dark haired girl. Mike realized this girl, was the other person Jamie would initiate a conversation with. Peter had said she was his best friend, so that made sense, but Jamie didn't even initiate conversations with his brother. On one such day, the girl came up by herself and Mike ran into her in the hallway.  
  
"Oh hello, your Jamie's friend aren't you?"  
  
"Yes, Caitie." She replied, glancing at him.  
  
"I'm his orderlie Mike." She nodded.  
  
"Is it all right to see him?" He nodded.  
  
"He just came from lunch." She smiled slightly at him and she slowly pushed open the door.  
  
"Hey Jamie." She greeted smiling. He looked up from whatever he was drawing and smiled at her.  
  
"Caitie, I'm glad your here, I actually need you to do me a favor..."  
  
****************************************************  
And I don't need the fallout of all the past  
That's here between us  
And I'm not holding on  
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here  
****************************************************  
  
Hank hesitated at he approached Jamie's door. The orderlie he had seen the last time he was here shot him a strange look.  
  
"If your coming to visit your gonna have to keep him calm." Mike said, leaving no room for Hank to try and argue anything.  
  
"Yes sir." Hank sighed and knocked gently.  
  
"Come in." Jamie called and Hank walked in slowly.   
  
"Hey Jamie......uh, Caitie said you wanted to see me."  
  
"Wanted, no. Needed is more the word." Hank blinked.  
  
"Okay, you needed to see me."  
  
"Yeah, because I have enough to worry about, and I'd really like to hash this problem I'm having with you out so I don't have to worry about that too." Hank nodded quietly.  
  
"Okay, I can understand that." Hank replied.  
  
"Do you know what its like here?"  
  
"No, I don't. Tell me about it."  
  
"I've learned not to fight with them. Just do what they tell you to. Its easier for all concerned that way. But you know what? That doesn't help my problems any."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Hank my problems aren't suicidal tendencies. I'm problems are with you, Peter, and Alex." Hank blinked.  
  
"We're your problems? Jamie, your here because we were afraid you were gonna hurt yourself!" Jamie steadied his gaze on him.  
  
"That I might have hurt myself or you were gonna feel bad because you could have listened to me, but didn't."  
  
"Jamie!" Hank howled in frustration. "How long are you gonna keep that over us?!"  
  
"Us has nothing to do with it. This is about you." Hank flinched a little at the hidden accusation.  
  
"I did what I thought was best because I couldn't deal with the thought of you doing something stupid!"  
  
"That night, when Tyler tackled me, what did you think I was going to do?" Hank sighed.  
  
"You were headed for the road and you looked upset about something."  
  
"So you thought I was going to throw myself in front of a car." Jamie's tone was flat and dull.  
  
"It crossed my mind."  
  
"I'm going to tell you something Hank. I was heading for the road, but not for the reason you think I was. I was heading for the road so I could get to Caitie's house. I knew she could calm me down and make me stop thinking whatever stupid thought I was thinking. You stopped me and you got involved in something you had no business getting involved in."  
  
"Jamie, I was scared, you scared me real bad that night! The way you spoke, the look in your eyes, I thought, really and truly you were gonna end it all!" Jamie snorted in frustration.  
  
"When is it gonna get through your thick skull, just because I thought about it doesn't mean I would go through with it?! I had the perfect opportunity earlier on, but I didn't!" As soon as the words left his mouth, Jamie silently cursed himself.  
  
"The perfect opportunity, as in the bridge?" Jamie blinked in surprise before giving him a sick smile.  
  
"Yes the bridge."  
  
"What happened at the bridge Jamie?" Hank asked, feeling ill.  
  
"I could have easily thrown myself in. Made all the pain go away, I wouldn't be a burden to anyone anymore."  
  
"Jamie you-" Hank silenced himself at Jamie's look.  
  
"But as you can see, I didn't. It wasn't a I just couldn't throw myself in, it was I couldn't do it to anyone else. It wasn't worth me losing my suffering if I just heaped it onto my brother, or Caitie, or even the squad. I thought about it yeah, but if you honestly think I'd do it, if you really think I'd so easily give up, then you really aren't the friend I thought you to be." Silence hung in the room for several minutes and Jamie watched Hank intently.   
  
"I'm not sure what to say." Hank said at length. "You made your point, but I still think this is what was for the best." Something flared in Jamie's eyes.  
  
"What would have been for the best is if you had just taken the time to sit and talk to me. I mean I know your time is so very precious and all, but really, you seem to have time for everyone else. I just didn't understand why you couldn't spare twenty minutes to listen to me."  
  
****************************************************  
And I want to get free talk to me  
I can feel you falling  
And I wanted to be all you need  
Somehow here is gone  
*****************************************************  
  
Hank returned a week later, Val and Tyler with him. Mike shot them a warning glare and allowed them in. Jamie looked tired, so tired it was almost frightening.  
  
"Okay, we're gonna settle this." Hank stated.  
  
"Settle what?" Jamie asked wearily.  
  
"The beef you have with us." Tyler replied.  
  
"I don't really have to much beef with you or Val." Jamie replied.  
  
"But you do with Hank." Val said, shifting from one foot to the other.  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
"For helping to put you here?" Tyler asked.  
  
"More than that."  
  
"He thinks I don't listen to him." Hank supplied.  
  
"You don't. Your suppose to be the leader right Hank?"  
  
"Well yes...."  
  
"And you pride yourself on always being there to help the other squad members right?"   
  
"Yeah." Hank wondered where this was going.  
  
"You were always there to give Val a supportive shoulder when her dad was sick. When Tyler was having trouble with William, you always knew what to say to help him. When someone didn't seem to be themselves, you were concerned, then how come you rarely showed any of that concern for me?" Jamie took a breath "I mean there was my foot got banged up, you showed brief concern then, but its nothing like what you show for Val or Tyler, or even Brooke for that matter."  
  
"Jamie your really stubborn about things, if you didn't want us to know you just didn't tell us anything!" Hank protested.  
  
"This isn't about you knowing what was going on, its about not even really seeming to care! Think back with me, remember the call when you came to my house and my mom had died. Do you remember that day?"  
  
"Of course I do!" Hank snapped.  
  
"Val, followed me into the bathroom to comfort me. Tyler when he came to retrieve Val, attempted to say something soothing, where were you?"  
  
"I was loading the ambulance." Hank replied indignantly. "Someone had to do it."  
  
"Of course, but you couldn't have spared two minutes to see if I was even close to being alright?" Hank didn't have anything to reply with. He just stood there open jawed.  
  
"We admit we messed up this whole situation Jamie." Tyler began. "But when we did try and help you, you didn't make it easy for us."  
  
"Why should I have? I needed you guys and you bailed on me faster than people on the Titanic. And then when you decided you would grace me with some sort of support you got all pissed because I didn't want it. I had Caitie, I had Peter, and I even had Alex, I didn't need your support then. When I needed it you wouldn't give it to me. This isn't some magical place where all the hurt and anger people have towards each other magically dissipate in a few days. I don't know what you want from me!"  
  
"Your right Jamie, it is unrealistic of us to think you can simply forget about what has gone on, however it isn't ridiculous for us to try and help. We know its not when you needed it, but we're still trying." Val said, reaching out to touch his shoulder.  
  
"I just know that it just added insult to injury to know that you obviously didn't think me as important as the rest of the team."   
  
"That's not true!" Hank protested.  
  
"Isn't it? After my mom died, none of you took the time to see if I was alright. Why not?" The EMTs glanced at each other. That was a question they really couldn't answer. "Exactly."   
  
*****************************************************  
And I want to get free talk to me  
I can feel you falling  
I know it's out there  
**************************************************  
  
The ride back was silent as the three EMTs sat in the car.  
  
"He's right." Val finally said, breaking the silence. "We treated him horribly and now we just expect him to forgive us."  
  
"Val, we didn't know." Hank replied quietly.  
  
"Only because we didn't bother to ask. He was right, we were so wrapped up in what was going on in our lives, we seemed to forget he would seriously be hurting. remember when my dad had a heart attack? No one seemed to forget. You all rallied and helped me in anyway you could. We should have done that for Jamie. We didn't." Tyler nodded.  
  
"I can think of more than one occasion where Jamie came through for me." Val nodded. "And I can't blame him for being angry." Tyler continued. "Because he was right. When we did feel like trying to support him, he didn't need our support. He needed it when his mom died. Where were we?"  
  
"I think I'm going to go back in a few days." Hank said quietly, glancing at the two in the rearview mirror. "Because he isn't so angry at you two, but he's got serious beef with me, and he does have a point, because I really listened to him, and I've wronged him badly." The three settled back into silence. Each thinking the same thing, could they dare hope for eventual forgiveness?  
  
**************************************************  
I know it's out there  
I can feel you falling  
I know it's out there  
I know it's out there  
****************************************************  
  
Mike sat with Jamie outside in the grass.  
  
"So what's this picture of?" Jamie turned the pad around to show Mike he had drawn another one of the weeping willows, but he'd made it different, this one had a face, and tears running down its trunk, Underneath sat a person, the tree was weeping for. Mike cringed. "Is that you?"  
  
"No. Its anyone who needs it." Jamie replied.  
  
"Well its quiet good."  
  
"Thank you." There was a brief silence between the two as Jamie flipped the page and began on something else.   
  
"Your friends seem to be real concerned about you." Mike finally said.  
  
"They just want me to forgive them." Jamie replied.  
  
"Your upset with them?"   
  
"Yeah, well, not as much, I mean I was...I don't know anymore. Now I think I'm just confused."  
****************************************************  
Somehow here is gone  
  
Well......I could continue but I guess that depends on your guys 


End file.
